31 Day Blog Challenge: Day 13

You may have noticed that I skipped day 12. I did have a post written and I was about to publish it when I accidentally went “back” and the post didn’t autosave.

I was really excited to have a good quality post with a little more seriousness to it. But it took me quite a long time to figure out how to articulate it in such a way that made me feel good about it. I don’t think I’ll be pleased with a rewrite and I’m not even sure if I would be able to remember how to put it back. So, I’m skipping day 12 and moving on. I don’t want to think about it anymore and I don’t want to delay any more posts on this challenge.

While I love doing this challenge, I’m really excited to get on with posts of my choosing. And also getting started on writing about some of the topics that were requested on my “About” page.

Day 13’s prompt is a question that a lot of people seem to have the same answer for.

Do you have regrets?

I feel like there are two answers.

“Yes, I regret that one horrible thing that is embarrassing or that relationship that really hurt me because that guy/girl was soooo stupid and your loss!”

or

“No, I never regret anything because everything happens for a reason and I am the person I am now because of everything I’ve done so I don’t regret anything that got me here.”

yawn.

Just because you regret something doesn’t mean you wish you were a different person. And yes, there are lots of things I wouldn’t want to change about my life. If things had been done differently in the past, life might not be the way it is right now in some ways.

I would never want to be without my husband, and it’s sad to think about what life would be like if I hadn’t met him. But let’s be real here. If you look back on your life and realize that you did something or let something else happen that caused you to be miserable for too long, regret is a pretty reasonable feeling.

I regret staying in college as long as I did.

I came back to start my junior year after a horrrrrrrrible break up. I was such a mess and had convinced myself that I needed to proceed as normal. I didn’t take a break (yet) and I didn’t seek any help (yet).  I went back expecting to have this amazingly warm and welcoming community to walk alongside me and fix my problems. But the summer had let us drift apart as well as my focus on my then long distance relationship. I hadn’t spoken to any of my friends during the summer about any relationship problems, so when I got back for the fall semester and told people we had broken up they were all surprised because they hadn’t heard anything before about us having problems. So a lot of people didn’t think it was as big of a deal as it really was.

And because I had just lost the biggest thing in my life, I also lost myself. My goals changed because now I was single again. My plans didn’t involved following another person, and I hadn’t the slightest clue what I wanted to do. Besides sleep and take a break from homework.

I still pursued my major, even though I had no plans to continue on with it once I was done with school. I still worked a job, sometimes two, even though they were not fulfilling and also low paying. And I stayed at a school that didn’t really care a whole lot about how much as I was hurting as much as they did policing my poor attitude in class, lack of on-campus participation, dropping grades, and what on earth I was going to do with myself for the rest of my life. And let me tell you, it definitely wasn’t being a pastor’s wife or a children’s minister or a missionary. I wanted to do something secular but I had invested so much time and money into this place that it was, as I was told, “a waste and poor stewardship of the very clear calling God had placed on my life to be in full time ministry.” But not preaching, because you’re a woman. And certainly not a woman choosing to be childless for life, because don’t you remember the commandment about having children being a requirement?

Anyway, without sharing too many more stories that could be their own stories, I will just say that I was absolutely miserable for far too long and now that I’ve taken 4 year to finish only an Associate’s Degree because college was actually killing me, the money I spent STILL wasn’t worth it. And the time I spent was STILL wasted in a way.

The experience wasn’t worth it for me, looking back on it all now.
However, my experience is not everyone’s and sometimes sticking it out is totally worth it. EVEN if you don’t know what you want to do, finishing college is important if you think it will do more good for you in the long run than negative.

That’s not true for me right now.

I’ll probably never go back. And every time I say that, I feel a little more free. I wish I had quit earlier because life without that place has been heaps easier.

Easy isn’t my ultimate goal, but sometimes you need life to be easier for a while.

I regret not quitting college sooner. Because I was miserable and I didn’t need to be.

original artist unknown found on rockstarronan
original artist unknown found on rockstarronan
Advertisements

4 thoughts on “31 Day Blog Challenge: Day 13

  1. I would just like to say I am so sad (and a little angry) of how you were treated at Bible school. Just because you want to do something in the secular world doesn’t make you any less of a Christian, or changes who God created you to be. So many Christians place so much weight on full-time ministry, when in reality, God has called us to so many different outlets.

    Also, hear hear for not wanting children! Haha 🙂 I definitely feel like that is something people think is for everyone, but it really isn’t.

    I don’t know where you are in your faith, or if your school completely ruined that for you. But know that you can still be used exactly where you are. You aren’t a disappointment, and I think you made a really brave choice by not going back. You have an impact on people just by writing this blog. From what I can see, I think you’re doing a great job.

    You probably already know this, but I thought I’d tell you anyway. 🙂

    p.s. I went to a small Bible school for one semester and it was way too much for me. Too much legalism. Not enough jeans.
    Haha I’m currently at a Christian university, and it’s a little better, but I truly understand your experience.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s