To everyone who has noticed that I’ve “gotten bigger since I got married”…
You’re right. I have.
I went through a terrible break up once and stopped eating real food for 3 weeks, or maybe longer. All I ate were Doritos and coffee. I am really not exaggerating. But I felt like I looked awesome. Now, looking back on pictures, I think I must have finally achieved my magical goal weight. I have never had an exact number as a goal weight. I figured I’d just know it when I’m there. But that’s not true because even in those dark days when I was so sad that I could barely keep anything down, I still thought I was fat. I still looked at that time as a chance to reinvent myself. I could finally become the thin, cool girl I had always wanted to be. Now that I didn’t have a boy to go to dinner with and eat ice cream on the couch with nothing would stand in my way. The weight I look back at now, while not “skinny” in the way we think we need to be skinny, looks almost too thin. Then again I would have said, “I can still be thinner.” Couldn’t we always be just a little bit thinner?
Now look at me. I’m 40 pounds heavier then my lowest adult weight. I don’t really do anything about it. I have bad eating days, and I have normal eating days. I have weeks where I think I’m really gonna build a habit. I meal prep fresh veggies and nuts and fruits. I’ve even gone through a few smoothie phases. I recently had a gym membership. I saw a trainer once or twice a week for a couple of months. When I started gaining weight and couldn’t stop thinking about the numbers I quit. Sometimes I work out in my living room while watching tv. Other times I work out while watching an exercise video. Other times I just practice squeezing my abs and clenching my butt cheeks while I’m driving myself to work. Every time I do one of these things, I always think, “If I can just do this X many times per week, I’ll weigh X many pounds and then I can put pictures of myself on social media or attend a social event and I’ll prove people wrong.”
See, I have this belief that girls are so absolutely aware of my weight and my size and the shape I take up in my clothes that they’ll base my well-being and my happiness off of my appearance. Like my success as a wife is determined by what size jeans I wear and if they’re bigger or smaller than the one I wore the last time my friends saw me. I have this image in my mind that all the ex-boyfriends and crushes I’ve had stalk me on Facebook and think about how I used to be hotter.Before I continue I just want to clear something up. I know that other people weigh more than I do. All I can do is speak from personal experiences that shape my perception of myself. In my world, I’m fat. This is the reality for pretty many girls I know.
I am fat.
I’m so afraid that someone notices I’m fat so I notice it on others too. I’m constantly searching for other bodies that look like mine to justify the pounds I carry.
So for any ladies wondering, I’ve gained 2 cup sizes since high school and 4 pant sizes. Yet I fear that each time my husband says I look great or he likes me the way I am there are 3 more girls noting my weight gain.
I feel like I’ve been trying to keep it a secret. Covering myself with my husband’s shirts, wearing sweats all day, layering hoodies under jackets, buying baggy and loose fitting shirts. If I pretend not to know I’m fat maybe no one else will? But what’s worse is someone thinking I’m fat and believing that I don’t know. What kind of crazy person would just walk around being fat and not caring about it?
Here I am telling the world that I’m fat and I just want to not care about it anymore. I’m already reminded every single day when I put my clothes on and something doesn’t quite fit. Every time my bra digs into my back or shoulders or when my pants tug at my waist. I am releasing myself from the real or imaginary tally sheet in the minds of my friends, acquaintances, former friends, enemies, and strangers.
My marriage is great, even though I’m fat. Sometimes I eat my emotions. Sometimes I don’t eat because of my emotions. I just don’t want to give an eff ANY. MORE.
I’m gonna wear the clothes, and take the picture, and not give a damn.
*Update: Since so many of you have mentioned that you love the swimsuit I’m wearing in my photo. I’m wearing the Cocoship Retro 50’s Halter High Waist Bikini Carnival print in XXL.