I’m Fat Now

To everyone who has noticed that I’ve “gotten bigger since I got married”…

You’re right. I have.

I went through a terrible break up once and stopped eating real food for 3 weeks, or maybe longer. All I ate were Doritos and coffee. I am really not exaggerating. But I felt like I looked awesome. Now, looking back on pictures, I think I must have finally achieved my magical goal weight. I have never had an exact number as a goal weight. I figured I’d just know it when I’m there. But that’s not true because even in those dark days when I was so sad that I could barely keep anything down, I still thought I was fat. I still looked at that time as a chance to reinvent myself. I could finally become the thin, cool girl I had always wanted to be. Now that I didn’t have a boy to go to dinner with and eat ice cream on the couch with nothing would stand in my way. The weight I look back at now, while not “skinny” in the way we think we need to be skinny, looks almost too thin. Then again I would have said, “I can still be thinner.” Couldn’t we always be just a little bit thinner?

Now look at me. I’m 40 pounds heavier then my lowest adult weight. I don’t really do anything about it. I have bad eating days, and I have normal eating days. I have weeks where I think I’m really gonna build a habit. I meal prep fresh veggies and nuts and fruits. I’ve even gone through a few smoothie phases. I recently had a gym membership. I saw a trainer once or twice a week for a couple of months. When I started gaining weight and couldn’t stop thinking about the numbers I quit. Sometimes I work out in my living room while watching tv. Other times I work out while watching an exercise video. Other times I just practice squeezing my abs and clenching my butt cheeks while I’m driving myself to work. Every time I do one of these things, I always think, “If I can just do this X many times per week, I’ll weigh X many pounds and then I can put pictures of myself on social media or attend a social event and I’ll prove people wrong.”

Processed with VSCOcam with c1 preset
My body is a bikini body.

See, I have this belief that girls are so absolutely aware of my weight and my size and the shape I take up in my clothes that they’ll base my well-being and my happiness off of my appearance. Like my success as a wife is determined by what size jeans I wear and if they’re bigger or smaller than the one I wore the last time my friends saw me. I have this image in my mind that all the ex-boyfriends and crushes I’ve had stalk me on Facebook and think about how I used to be hotter.Before I continue I just want to clear something up. I know that other people weigh more than I do. All I can do is speak from personal experiences that shape my perception of myself. In my world, I’m fat. This is the reality for pretty many girls I know.

I am fat.

I’m so afraid that someone notices I’m fat so I notice it on others too. I’m constantly searching for other bodies that look like mine to justify the pounds I carry.

So for any ladies wondering, I’ve gained 2 cup sizes since high school and 4 pant sizes. Yet I fear that each time my husband says I look great or he likes me the way I am there are 3 more girls noting my weight gain.

I feel like I’ve been trying to keep it a secret. Covering myself with my husband’s shirts, wearing sweats all day, layering hoodies under jackets, buying baggy and loose fitting shirts. If I pretend not to know I’m fat maybe no one else will? But what’s worse is someone thinking I’m fat and believing that I don’t know. What kind of crazy person would just walk around being fat and not caring about it?

Well, me.

Here I am telling the world that I’m fat and I just want to not care about it anymore. I’m already reminded every single day when I put my clothes on and something doesn’t quite fit. Every time my bra digs into my back or shoulders or when my pants tug at my waist. I am releasing myself from the real or imaginary tally sheet in the minds of my friends, acquaintances, former friends, enemies, and strangers.

My marriage is great, even though I’m fat. Sometimes I eat my emotions. Sometimes I don’t eat because of my emotions. I just don’t want to give an eff ANY. MORE.

I’m gonna wear the clothes, and take the picture, and not give a damn.

 

 

*Update: Since so many of you have mentioned that you love the swimsuit I’m wearing in my photo. I’m wearing the Cocoship Retro 50’s Halter High Waist Bikini Carnival print in XXL.

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21 thoughts on “I’m Fat Now

  1. Hey Jess, I popped over from DCW and love the look of your site. The header is gorgeous, just like you. I applaud you for the post although, I have to disagree with you. As a much older and probably not wiser woman ha,ha please don’t compare yourself with others in the room. It’s just exhausting and doesn’t place any worth and value on you or others. I hope you know what I mean.
    I think your bio has a key for you – it’s super powerful. You said it yourself
    ‘Peonie and Pine is my first bought and paid for blogging space. I’m hoping it will open many doors for me and my quests for personal, emotional, relational, and business success.”
    What an awesome impact statement lady!!
    Mwah, Kellie from Princess & The Yard Ape

    1. Thanks for taking a look around Kellie.

      I’m sorry you got that vibe from my post. The point really wasn’t to be about comparison. What I meant by the mention of looking for other bodies like mine to justify my weight gain wasn’t meant to sound like comparison or trying to elevate myself over others. It was intended to paint a picture of how my own weight is on my mind so much that I look for similar bodies to relate to. And this post is me kind of saying that I DON’T need to do that anymore.

      Anyway, thank you again for stopping by and taking the time to comment. It’s much appreciated!

      1. Oh, I didn’t get a vibe. I was actually trying to compliment and encourage you. I’ll have to work on my delivery next time.

  2. This is such a great post, and what I needed to read right now. I’ve always struggled with my weight, yo-yoing between a 100 pound difference since high school. But since getting married I’ve become more comfortable in my own skin. Even now, as a weight watchers member, I’m doing it to help me have a healthier pregnancy down the road versus doing it for aesthetics (I can’t control the autoimmune disease, but I can control the amount of obesity).

    You do you and what makes you happy. Everything else will fall into place.

    1. Thanks Sarah!

      The weight fluctuation really adds a difficult dynamic to this journey of self-love. We can’t always choose the outside self to love! I find myself wishing I could have a certain body back, but that’s not how it works.

      Also, good luck on weight watchers! My friend just started today so I’ll be thinking of both of you!

  3. Hi, Jess! As someone who struggled with an eating disorder in high school and my early twenties, I hear you. I hear the fear of others judging, I hear the husband complimenting and it not being enough to offset the fear, I hear the societal pressure and the “but that is not me or my body.” I also love that I hear the freedom you are finding! Freedom to let your body do it’s own thing and help you carry out your dreams and ambitions. Freedom to accept your husbands (I’m sure!) adoration of you, freedom to accept that our bodies change as we age and it something to be celebrated, not ashamed of! I love that you wrote this and shared it with us. Cheers, brave lady! I would love to send you something from this shop (http://www.circlesofchange.org/market/) it is connected to an awesome non-profit that has been hugely influential in my life. ❤ I particularly like the "Every Body Is Beautiful" tee, but please, pick whatever speaks to you, shoot me an email with your address and what you'd like, and I'll send it your way.

    1. Thank you so much Sarah! Thanks for reaching out. I’m so glad this spoke to so many women. And i’m so glad to have gotten back responses like yours of “me too”. How powerful it is to share a “me too” with someone.

      And you’ll definitely have an email from me 🙂

  4. I really really needed this. I’ve gained about 50 lbs in 5 years and I hate it. I hate my chubby stomach that occasionally makes me look pregnant. I hate my flabby arms that jiggle when I wave. I hate my fat around my face. I’m always aware of it. I can’t believe my fiance when he says I’m beautiful or sexy or that he loves my body. Because I hate it so much. I want to not hate it. I want to not give an Eff. I want to reach this point that you have. I still want to lose weight just to be healthy but mostly….I just want to not hate my body anymore.

    xo
    alyssa nicole from shedancesbrave.blogspot.com

    1. Girl, yes. There will always be those days. I will still have days like this too. I don’t really have any advice for you because I’m so new to this and still struggle every day. But I do know that I still deserve love and friendship and to feel beautiful. So one thing I started doing was just wearing my favorite clothes more often and not saving them for days that I felt beautiful or thin enough. LET YOURSELF. Let yourself do what makes you feel good.

      So much love for you on your journey. WANTING to let go is the first step toward doing just that.

    1. I have heard that same voice in my head too. Somehow though, the truth of “I AM worthy” just has to be a little louder than the one telling you you’re fat. Today, just say it out loud to yourself. You are worthy of love and affection no matter what your body looks like! I promise.

  5. You’ve hit the nail on the head my friend- I feel like this too. I just don’t want to care anymore about how much I weigh. I think so many of us will relate to your words. You look beautiful, and that bikini is gorgeous! Lexie X

    1. Aren’t there worse things in life to be than fat?

      And THANK you 🙂 I guess I might need to put a link to the swim suit.

  6. Cuz u so nailed this! I feel and have gone through many of the same things u speak of! Own ur beautiful self! I love u and feel just like this at times! Xoxo

    1. Thanks girl! So glad you found your way here to leave a comment. It feels so good to be transparent. What a weight off my shoulders! If you catch my drift… 🙂

  7. This is the best thing I’ve read in weeks, and I think you are fabulous. Your honesty and strength and your willingness to admit that yeah…you are vulnerable, too…is, I dunno…awesome. It’s tough being female. We are our own worst enemies. That line in that Van Morrison song is kinda true: “All the girls walk by, dressed up for each other.” How said is that? Because, at the very least, we should all have each other’s backs. I lost two friends to cancer not long ago; both were young and fit and not ready to go. Embrace the day. Wear the bikini. Eat the donuts. And stop giving a f*ck. Thanks for your great words.

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